Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Keepin' it Awkward

AWKWARD MOMENTS! We've all had them...they're unavoidable...and they make your insides feel all twisty and mangled. Today I was talking with my friend Marissa and we discussed a fairly entertaining possibility of an awkward moment, which got me thinking about other awkward moments [by the way, if you say awkward too many times it starts to not sound or look like a word anymore. Awkward, awkward, awkward, awkward....IS THIS EVEN ENGLISH ANYMORE?!].

So today, let's talk about some of my personal favorites for awkward moments...

1] You forgot someone's name who you've recently met.
Why...WHY...do I have such a problem remembering people's names?? I remember being in kindergarten and having the same problem. Just met a kid, trying to make friends, we're playing on the play ground and having a flippin' awesome time swinging on the monkey bars, then BOOM. It happens. What is this person's name?! When I was 5 or 6 years old, I'd just ask again. Let's talk about a more recent experience though. I was photographing a wedding last month [one of 3] and when I was photographing the wedding party, I could not for the life of me remember the names of these two guys and they were the ones that I needed to direct the most. This wedding party kindly reminded me of their names a good 6 times or so too....unfortunately I'm too stupid to remember things like names, so I did what any rational adult would do...I gave them nicknames. Curly fries and Twilight hair.

2] Your kids flip shiitake mushrooms in a public place.
FELLOW PARENTS I KNOW YOU FEEL ME ON THIS ONE. You're at the mall, grocery store, park, where ever, and your kids are totally fine. Playing nicely, being all cute and stuff, then suddenly World War 3 explodes out of them like NOBODY'S business. They want something and they want it NOW! If you say no, they will make sounds at a pitch you didn't even know existed. People will look at you in different ways too when they hear the murder cries of your child. Younger people [or people my age] will look at you like, "OMG I never want kids. That chick is crazy for having them." Other moms and dads look at you like, "oh man, I've been there. Good luck lady!" and the rest of the world looks at you like you're the worst parent in the entire world and deserve to have poo filled diapers flung at you. Unfortunately, you only have 3 choices in this situation. You can pick up your little one[s] and leave in a frantic panic, join them in the screaming and crying because let's face it...you probably want to at this point, or act like you don't know this child and loudly say, "who's kid is this?!"

3] Getting friend zoned or friend zoning someone else.
This is so awkward it makes my insides swell up just thinking about it. Getting friend zoned...ahhh nothing like getting subtly shoved down friend aveneue. Phrases and questions such as:
"Can you give me some dating advice?"
"I wish I could find someone like you"
"You're such a good friend"

from that not-so-special someone are the best way to make sure you go straight to the grocery store and pick up a giant bucket of ice cream for yourself...and some wine. We can't forget the wine. On the other side, friend zoning someone is JUST as awkward. Especially when they're trying WAY TOO HARD. You don't want to be mean, but you know you're not interested and they definitely are. So you try to be nice, talk to them in a short yet friendly manner, but they don't pick up on the hints and continue to give you a plethora of really weird, sorry excuses of compliments. From there it gets more awkward, and eventually you just have to be blunt. I DO NOT LIKE YOU. YOU ARE MY FRIEND. STOP FREAKING ME OUT. This usually puts a stop to the nonsense. On that note, if you don't want to get friend zoned, TONE IT DOWN. Don't come on so fricken strong but leave subtle hints that you have some interest. It's kind of like hunting...if you run towards that prize buck screaming and waving your arms all over the place like a moron, YOU'LL SCARE IT AWAY! So chill out and sit in your tree stand like the good hunter you are.

4] You tell a joke, and no one laughs.
Story of my life. I tell a joke, or a story of some sort, and my intention is to make people laugh. I finish said story/joke, look around, and see blank faces. It's so quiet you can hear crickets from 3 counties over chirping. Personally, I enjoy the challenge of attempting to escape that beautifully awkward moment. I usually say something like, "well, apparently you had to be there to understand the magnitude of this epic tale" or "just kidding! jokes on you! I wasn't trying to be funny anyway!" OH and it's also sort of awkward to be the person that isn't laughing. I've been there, rather recently actually. There were a few people in my EMT class who would tell jokes from time to time that I just flat out didn't get. They'd let out some hearty belly laugh, a few other people would slightly chuckle, and I'm looking around like, "what did you even just say?"

5] You show up to the Safe House earlier than everyone else and get the password wrong.
This was me a few days ago. I was under the impression that the password to get into the awesome spy themed bar of Milwaukee was simply "safe house." Last time I was there, that's what I said and got in just fine. THEY LIED TO ME! So I whisper in the chicks ear the incorrect password, she loudly proclaims, "I'm sorry but that is incorrect!" and she then instructs me to demonstrate my crappy dance moves in front of a crowd of strangers so I'm allowed in. To make it even more awkward, they have TV's on the inside of the bar that show what people are doing in that room. So after I get laughed at in that room, I walk into the bar and get laughed at too. To make it even MORE awkward, none of my friends showed up for a good 10 minutes after that. DARN ME AND MY ABILITY TO BE ON TIME!!

6] Someone leaves a weird comment on your Facebook picture/status. 
Do you like it? Do you delete it? Do you comment back? I'M SO CONFUSED!

7] Strange text messages from people you don't really know all that well.
They're all like, "I love you!" or "I miss you!" and you're like...uhhhh....you're such a good friend..? bahaha

8] Too many compliments.
SO AWKWARD!! Someone tells you they like your hair, and you say "aww thank you!" Then they tell you they like your outfit. So you say, "thank you" again. Then they tell you they love how pretty your eyes are. So you say, "hah...uh, thanks..." because it just went from an innocent compliment to potential future stalker in 3.4 seconds. It gets weird real quick. Especially when you're not really picking up on anything you genuinely like about what they're wearing, how their hair is or whatever else is going on with this person. So if you attempt to give them a compliment back, it sounds fake and just as bad as their over complimenting. Awkward overload.

9] It's really quiet, and you're hungry, and all you have are chips.
Nothing like being the douche bag at the movie theater who ordered nachos during Skyfall. Yes, that was me. Sorry I'm not sorry. Those nachos were effing delicious. However, I definitely felt the eyes of the other movie watchers burning into my skull. They were probably secretly wishing I started choking on one of those nacho chips. Jokes on you losers, I know the Heimlich maneuver!

10] You sent a text to the absolute wrong person.
You've just texted a ridiculously dirty joke to your best friend, only to find out it actually went to your super reserved cousin. Have I done this? No [however it would be hilarious if I did]. I have definitely sent texts to the incorrect person before though. USUALLY I'm fairly lucky and it can be side stepped..as if I accidentally did it on purpose...because I'm slick and witty like that...but there have been a few times were there was no avoiding it. Like texting a girl friend back in La Crosse how much I miss her, but it actually went to that dude who wont leave me alone. CRAP. Alcohol was involved...GET OFF ME!

So there you have it folks. Some of my favorite awkward moments. I'm sure I'll come up with more as time goes on. Stay tuned! :)
-Taber Lacie

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