Probably not as much as you think you know.
When Allyn and I went into this whole parenthood thing, we thought we were prepared. There are some things (actually a lot of things) that no one ever tells you about. So I decided to touch base with the unmentionables.
Pregnancy
Most of us have learned about pregnancy in health class while we were in school, and you've probably "learned" a few things from movies like Knocked Up, Juno, Marley and Me, ect. Health class doesn't tell you as much as you should know and I'm convinced if they did tell us more, we might've been too scared to have sex in the first place! Oh and those movies, as entertaining as they are, are a bit misleading.
If you think that you'll know when the baby is coming by your water breaking on it's own...good luck. Only 10% of pregnant women have their water spontaneously burst before feeling contractions. Almost every movie with a pregnant lady I've ever seen shows the woman's water bursting. My favorite is from the movie Baby Mama when it seems like what could fit in a water bottle splashed out and she asked if she should clean that up. In reality, the amniotic fluid is rushing out for about 30 minutes. When the baby moves, more fluid comes out, and there is A LOT in there, trust me!
With Corvin, I went into the hospital when I was in the early stages of labor and they sent me home. We came back a few hours later ready to have a baby. The whole labor and delivery process takes a LONG time though. So if you count the hours from early labor to delivery with Corvin, It was probably around 24 hours. Most movies make it seem like it takes an hour, hah! If you're extremely lucky, maybe that will happen, but don't count on it. Zander was a fun experience as well. I had false labor 4 times. The contractions felt real, they were 3-5 minutes apart for about 2 hours so we'd go to the hospital. They'd keep us there for a few hours and suddenly my contractions would just stop. How frustrating! So be prepared for labor to not actually happen, even when you're sure it's happening.
You may have heard how uncomfortable you can be during pregnancy. The beginning is fine, it's really the last 2 months that torture you. You're sweaty, your back hurts, you can only sleep on your right or left side, you're tired, you're cranky, you feel fat, none of your clothes fit, you can't do anything fun because your feet hurt, you're sick one second then the next you want KFC, you're overly emotional, you randomly cry, you want to take a bath but your belly sticks out of the water, baby is kicking everything (stomach, ribs, bladder, belly button) and it kind of hurts sometimes, your friends don't talk to you as much because you're probably being a bitch so you're lonely and because of all of the things I just mentioned. you're sick of being pregnant. Bridezilla's got nothing on a pregnant woman in her third trimester. So beware of a bitchier you, and tell your significant other to be nothing short of a gentlemen...unless he likes being screamed at for reasons you'll laugh at later.
Example: When I was pregnant with Corvin, we couldn't decide on a name. Every name I came up with, Allyn didn't like. I got so mad that I went on the computer and deleted the list of names he came up with and said they all sucked. He was a jerk for not liking my ideas. hahaha. Little did I know I deleted our son's future name! It's funny now, but back then it was a serious matter! ;)
Another thing no one tells you about pregnancy is how utterly RUDE people can be with their comments, stares and questions. Some people are wonderfully nice. They'll hold the door, tell you you're "a cute pregnant lady" and say congrats. Other people will stare at you like you have some crazy disease that makes your abdomen swell up 50 times it's actual size. I used to think they were thinking, "what the hell is wrong with that lady?!? I should stay away from her so I don't catch whatever crap she's got..." If you don't believe me, you will once you get pregnant! People will also ask you if you're having twins, and when you say no they'll ask you if you're sure because you're just so huge. This will make you feel like crap. You're uncomfortable, irritable and ready for baby to arrive so the last thing you want to hear is how fat you look on top of it all. People will also make smartass comments like, "haven't you heard about birth control yet?" and "you're naming your baby Beth? I had a dog named that!"
Thank you for that, I'll make sure to name our future pet after you now.
One more misleading thing about movie pregnancies, they'll show mom stuffing her face right away with the weirdest stuff, or just with a ton of food in general. Lies! The first trimester (the first 12 weeks), you feel so sick. They say if it's a girl you throw up a lot and if it's a boy you wont. I didn't get sick with either of my pregnancies (despite Allyn puking on me once, that's a good story) and I had two boys. I did feel very sick though and didn't want to eat much. When I did want to eat, it was something specific, and if I didn't get it, it haunted my mind for as long as I didn't have it. With Zander, I wanted Buffalo Wild Wings about a month before he was born. We didn't have much money so I didn't get them. The thought of BDubbs did not go away until after he was born. However, I never wanted anything weird like chalk, dirt, pickles with ice cream or anything else goofy. In all reality, only a small percentage of women have messed up cravings while they're pregnant. Also, don't expect to like the stuff you normally like. If you're in love with chocolate, you might hate it while you're pregnant. Why? Acid reflux. Stock up on Tums while you're pregnant because baby doesn't help keep your stomach acids down, especially after eating chocolate!
Childbirth
As I mentioned earlier, labor can take a long, long time. Allyn was actually under the impression that it takes maybe a few hours total. He was in for a real surprise...From the time the doctors broke my water with Corvin (yes they will do that if they have to) to the time he was born took 11 1/2 hours. Becoming fully dialated can take a very long time! Most women take longer than that from what I understand, especially if it's your first child. I know several women that were in labor for 30 hours or more. So I was one of the lucky ones! Zander, once he finally decided to stop playing games, only took 7 hours.
Pushing is THE hardest part of labor. Epidural or not, you'll probably feel the baby coming out. Corvin took me 44 minutes to push out. He had SUCH a big head, still does, so it took a long time to get him to come out. It was extremely hard and painful. The epidural dulled the pain a bit, but the pressure you feel is definitely hard to bare. Zander didn't take as long, only 10 minutes, but I felt the extreme urge to push before I was 10cm dialated (which is what you have to be in order to push baby out). One side of my cervix was all the way open, the other had another half centimeter to go. Do you know what it feels like to work against a contraction and basically try to hold it in? This isn't like an I-have-to-pee holding it in, this is an excruciating my-vagina-is-about-to-explode holding it in. The second they said I could push I was so relieved!
Another thing they don't tell you about child birth is how bad you might start to shake. Not like you're having a seizure or anything, it's just from the rush of hormones flooding your body. I didn't really shake a lot with Corvin, but with Zander I felt like I was going to vibrate right off the bed! My lips were quivering, my arms were shaking, my hands were the worst and I had zero control over it. The nurses kept saying it was normal, and all I could think was, "why the crap did no one tell me about this?!?"
Once your baby's head is out, the doctors might make you push once or twice more, but they can pull him/her out pretty easily. Most movies show a perfect little crying baby with a little bit of yucky stuff on it. NEWS FLASH! There is A LOT of yucky stuff on your baby in real life. This yucky stuff is called vernix. It kept your baby warm and moisturized while they were in your uterus. Otherwise baby would come out looking like a prune. Also, your baby might come out looking like a different color. Corvin was fairly white, but he was actually kind of yellow and stayed that way for almost 2 weeks. Zander was blue (from lack of oxygen) but the doctors quickly put an oxygen mask on him and he turned back to a normal color. Did you know most black babies are actually born looking more white? It can take up to two weeks for their true coloring to come in.
After the long hours of birthing your child, you might not be able to sleep very well. I couldn't either time. I was simply too in love with my babies that I didn't want to miss out on any of the cuteness they were emitting for even a second. I was just too happy to sleep much. You wont care about any of the hard stuff you had to go through during your pregnancy or birthing of your baby because it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is the cute little bundle who's about to change your whole life in more ways than you could even imagine.
We'll talk about that tomorrow :)
♥ Taber
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